Without Peace

balls-freedom-1241474-639x1484Productivity is “my thing.”

I wake up with my to-do list spinning in a loop through my mind. I often try to knock off a few things while my son eats his breakfast, so that I’m set up in the lead for the rest of my day.

I’m often a few minutes late to an appointment because I’ve tried to squeeze in *one more thing* before I dash out the door.

A good day is one in which I function at 90% capacity or higher (and I, laughably, think that this kind of productivity is somehow sustainable).

Depression is close at hand on the days when my plans fall apart, or my body is ill, or an unexpected circumstance demands my attention and emotions. I don’t let go of my task list graciously.

My peace of mind? I have no idea where that is. If you find where it’s gone hiding, let me know.

I’ve come to face the reality that my productivity and inner drive to check things off of an ambitious plan for my life has come at the price of something dear. To accomplish things at my preferred speed is to cut out the space in my life that allows me to breathe, smile, and feel peace. In my personal experience, peace and productivity are very often mutually exclusive.

If I want to be a happier woman, a more contented mama, a more joyful wife, a writer who is not wracked with guilt about the heights I still have yet to reach, I can’t sacrifice every ounce of emotional and mental energy on reaching the peak number of completed items on my list.

This isn’t rocket science. Perhaps a lot of you came to this realization way back in junior high. Good for you. I’m slow on the uptake with this one.

Now the hard part is taking the step of courage that consciously chooses to let go of the highly productive pace that I’ve cultivated in my life and work habits. To let things take longer to be done. To accept less challenges. To know I’m not “lame” because I’m choosing this route. To know it takes a different kind of strength to walk this way.

A life lived without peace in the heart and mind doesn’t sound very worthwhile to me.

I also don’t know how to slow down, so it’s going to be a bumpy deceleration.

I’m *ahem* just starting out, but I will diligently try to report how it goes.


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This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Very true! The best parts of life are those moments that take our breath away. But that doesn’t happen when moving from task to task on a list. This is another unexpected gift that comes from parenting small children 🙂

    1. You know, I wouldn’t come to these conclusions without walking through them! :s Thank you. I’ts nice to know that you’ve found the need to slow down with a small child to be the same thing that makes you stop to notice the things that take your breath away. It’s hard sometimes, to not get stuck in the lie that I’m really “missing out.”

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